To Believe or not to Believe, that is the question

I got to thinking and had to write this down.

I believe, Lord, help my unbelief. A man who came to Jesus for healing coins this phrase. I believe I just made it my own. I once believed, and this included many things not necessary. Things which at most were petty and distracted from the reason for and the truth of belief. I went to college and studied religion because of this belief. Then things fell apart.

How much I believed is a good question to ponder. I pose this thought because I ran away quite easily, because of many things I brought about myself. I flunked out of college because I failed to go to class and then I came home. I lived with my dad and started working at a restaurant at which I had worked during high school. I worked on Sundays and therefore didn't go to church. I could have asked for Sundays off, but I didn't. Soon, I stopped thinking of God or anything to do with him. This progressed through getting drunk at times, seeking out my lustful urges, and immersing myself in this materialistic, consumerist society. Basically, I had come close to God, got scared about how much I had to give up, and ran the other way.

And yet, he had come close enough to me that I couldn't shake him no matter where I tried to hide. Though I got drunk it was rare, I couldn't push myself past my conscience very far. I never could bring my lustful urges to fruition, and though I bought plenty, I hated the very things I bought. This running and hiding lasted for five years. Near the end of it I had stopped shaking it off and was slowly turning around and searching for what I had ran away from.

The thing is, I wonder, quite often, if I'm still trying to hide. I came back but I still don't feel like I'm giving up myself. I want to, and yet there are things to which I still cling that hold me back. It is a constant battle and that doesn't surprise me. I'd like to get to the other side and fight from there, though. So I have come to own the phrase, "I believe, Lord, help my unbelief."